about our family plans

Just a little more upbeat about our family plans...  we admit that we loved Seattle, but felt unsettled when we were out west because although it was really wonderful in so many ways, it was missing something and we had to find and fill that hole.  Houston was just a halfway house on our journey to find and fill the hole that kept us from feeling settled.  Well here we are in Saint Paul Minnesota again.  We've come full circle, becoming a little more desperate in our financial needs with each leg of our journey, but here we feel settled.  Let me say it again, we found our hole.  We are working hard to fill it up and live the "perfect" life.  Here in our new home in the city we feel grounded and happy and settled. 

We still need jobs and we still need to work on the marital bliss and the kid/adult balancing act of life... but we don't have nagging questions about what we are going to do when we grow up or where we are going to live.  We are grown up, we live here and we plan to stay here.  We are going to raise our children and do the best that we can to grow an urban farm in our urban yard and provide for our family. 

It's nice to be home.

I'm OK

I have been feeling down for quite awhile.  I've been feeling a bit like a failure or a loser or just like I'm not good enough... I don't need anyone to either affirm or negate those feelings.  Those feelings are my own about myself and I am simply writing myself to remind me next time I am feeling down: I'm OK, I make choices, and I do the best I can.

It doesn't matter that I don't have a job and may never make good money again... I made the choice to stay  home with my family and give up the koosh job and that was courageous. 

It doesn't matter that I feel totally out of the loop in the world and don't devote the time that others think I should in getting out of the house and away or even just reading the news.  I may be sad and feel down about this part, but it will only be a few years that my children are so young and needy and at every step I am making transitions and getting more and more connected with the outer world again. 

Sometimes I feel like a loser because I have had to ask for so much help over the past year and a half and I have always struggled with the need to be independent and self supporting.  Well, this is a growth opportunity for me to show me its ok to ask for help some times and I am reminding myself right now that I can get back on my feet and that help won't be needed forever. 

I admit, I still feel down about myself, but running through my head is the song from my father daughter dance at my handfasting reception... "I hope you dance" and you know what, I think that I have been.  I'm not sitting aside at my koosh job living the normally prescribed easy road, I am fighting tooth and nail to live a life defined by me and to find the path right for me.  So screw those down feelings.  I'm dancing.