I'm OK

I have been feeling down for quite awhile.  I've been feeling a bit like a failure or a loser or just like I'm not good enough... I don't need anyone to either affirm or negate those feelings.  Those feelings are my own about myself and I am simply writing myself to remind me next time I am feeling down: I'm OK, I make choices, and I do the best I can.

It doesn't matter that I don't have a job and may never make good money again... I made the choice to stay  home with my family and give up the koosh job and that was courageous. 

It doesn't matter that I feel totally out of the loop in the world and don't devote the time that others think I should in getting out of the house and away or even just reading the news.  I may be sad and feel down about this part, but it will only be a few years that my children are so young and needy and at every step I am making transitions and getting more and more connected with the outer world again. 

Sometimes I feel like a loser because I have had to ask for so much help over the past year and a half and I have always struggled with the need to be independent and self supporting.  Well, this is a growth opportunity for me to show me its ok to ask for help some times and I am reminding myself right now that I can get back on my feet and that help won't be needed forever. 

I admit, I still feel down about myself, but running through my head is the song from my father daughter dance at my handfasting reception... "I hope you dance" and you know what, I think that I have been.  I'm not sitting aside at my koosh job living the normally prescribed easy road, I am fighting tooth and nail to live a life defined by me and to find the path right for me.  So screw those down feelings.  I'm dancing.